TAZRIA (LEVITICUS 12:1- 13:59)
This week’s parshah deals with cleanliness and purity (those might not/probably aren’t) perfect translations- around childbirth and then, suddenly, diseases. In both cases the person is instructed to isolate from society for a very specific amount of time, depending on very specific factors. Especially after these last few years of isolation from the pandemic, and personally the last few years of isolation from transitioning, this parshah sort of made me think about what that means, and who the priests were for getting to make those decisions.
I joined an LGBT Flag Football team. Which is pretttty far from my comfort zone. I’m not a very social person, and I will almost 100 % pf the time choose tobe alone over withothers, but I’ve really beenfeeling the lack of trans/queer community around me, so I was trying to be active in seeking that out (in the same way that I looked for/created the book club). And I’m a pretty physical person- so sports seemed like a fairly natural fit. So I looked for lgbt leagues and found seattle’s lgbt flag football league, signed up, and that was that. CLEARLY I was delusional because until the first day of practice I had literally never touched a football IN MY LIFE, or watched a game. (In retrospect, probably should have practiced actually handling a football before the first day but those were some insanely busy weeks and I wasn’t thinking too clearly). It was embarrassing. I don’t know what I expected really. I may be athletic but apparently that does NOT translate at all catching or throwing a football. And the fact that I weigh essentially NOTHING and am smaller than most of the women on the team makes me not such a great natural fit for any position. The only thing I have going for me is that I am not OUT of shape, but that’s it. And that’s really not getting me very far. They are super competitive and really good and they said they were open to beginners but I don’t think they counted on anyone being THIS much of a beginner. I haven’t felt like this much of an outsider at anything in a long time.
Needless to say, I spent some time on the sidelines during our games. Not the whole game, but some. And I’m not really making friends. I feel like a literal outcast, more than I even do among all the straight het people at the gym. And it made me think about these lines, and these boundaries that we draw. Like, this was the place I picked, to feel more comfortable, and I ended up feeling worse. And STILL wasn’t comfortable outing myself as trans, by the way. I don’t know. I don’t really have an end point to this story except that I wish there was some priest to say, OK, you’re done now, your isolation is over. Now you fit in. Now you pass. On one side or the other. The het world or the Queer world. Because I feel like, well obviously I’m not cis or heterosexual, so there’s that, duh. But then when I’m put in with a group of lgbt people, I feel like I don’t belong there either somehow, like I’m usurping their space. Like the gay men will think I’m not really in a MM relationship and as soon as they find out I’m trans they’ll treat me like a woman – because everyone does- it doesn’t seem to matter if they are gay or straight. We have gay and lesbian friends who all misgender me (It doesn’t make them automatically better somehow, or a safer place). So wouldn’t it be nice, really, if the world just had some rule, for when things got folded back in to the mix? For when things were GOOD again? A person ( it would have to be a really good person, obviously, like g-d) who said, OK. That person is good- they are IN. And then everyone just accepted them? Yeah, that would be good.
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